Stop Thinking That You Deserve Better

Time: 6 minutes.

Deserve (verb): to have earned or to be given something because of the way you have 
behaved or the qualities you have. - Cambridge Dictionary

When we fail in life to fulfill our needs, we tend to blame something else. Soon the thought that ‘I deserve better’ is running around in your mind like the coyote looking for Roadrunner. You ‘deserve’ a better job, life, car, cat, home, kid, etc… now it's everywhere. But most often it’s used in reference to relationships. Especially during a breakup. And mine opinion is that ‘you deserve better’ is just a weak and sad excuse someone uses to let you down easy. 

It’s an easy rat race to get caught up in, a tiny egotistical voice conditioning your mind ‘Oh! But you deserve so much better!’ 

Why? Because you are submerged in the idea that you are special and now you think you have a right to have it all. Because you think that you’ve done it all, so you want the world now. But the egocentric demand ‘I want the world and I want it now’ is doomed on these two fronts:

  1. It implicates that you don’t already have the world. That there’s something more to get, to improve. Consider the possibility you already have it all, but you just don’t understand it yet. 
  2. You don’t want the world anyway. You want fullness, wholeness, satisfaction, and you want completion. Having fullness, having wholeness, having satisfaction, and having completion is what it is to have it all.
You obviously were more qualified for that job, because you worked harder! You obviously deserve a better-looking woman or man, because you’re such a great person! You obviously deserve a partner who supports your every dream, because you give like 100%... bla bla bla. 

Why do you deserve better, or anything at all? I mean, I can't remember me stepping into a situation and thinking ‘you know what, I deserve all the respect and devotion of that person, and if I don’t get it… that’s obviously their problem.’ 

But what's strikes me the most about the idea of 'deserving', is how often people apply it to their relationships. As a coach I would say that whatever relationship you are currently in right now… is the one you deserve. Because you participate in it, you chose it and it is what you make it. 

And when the relationship isn’t going the way it supposed to be, or shouldn't be, has nothing to do with what you deserve. When the relationship isn't meeting your desires, it's easy to dismiss everyone around you, and your own easily misinterpreted emotions. But let’s be honest here, we’re all our own version of 'make believers'. We create our own thoughts and feelings. Mythical unicorns like the 'nice guy' or the 'perfect woman' only exist in our mind. This is what we do as human beings and we are all just a different wrapped version of the same condition. But humanity can be an ugly, ugly beast. 

We all have the power of the mind. So rather than searching for the relationship you ‘deserve’, turn your power of thought inward and decide what kind of relationship you really want. And whatever that is, whatever those honest and real needs are, understand that it’s an imperfect endeavor and consider that you might have no idea what you actually want at all!

The idea that you want something does not in any way mean you deserve it. So stop acting like it does. You don’t deserve that beautiful girl or handsome guy just because you believe you are smart and pretty. People and relationships are not goals to achieve; they are not your award for your well-lived life. 

Thinking that you deserve something better is an inauthentic way of being (a smoke screen), to cover up the real source of the issue. If you want to break free from it, you have to be authentic about your inauthenticity. You have to go inward and discover why you continually are unsatisfied and disappointed. 

Because you can’t change others, you can’t fix them or bend them to your own wants and needs, which means your only real responsibility is… yourself. That may sound selfish, but think about it. The only things in your life you can control are; what you say, what you do, and what you think. Everything else is beyond you.

  • So consider you already have everything you want, but you don’t yet get it totally, and 
  • whatever having it may bring, it isn’t the source of fullness, wholeness, satisfaction nor is it the source of completion: You are.
There's nothing you need to do to have it all now. You already got it all now. All there is to do is be responsible for having it all  NOW. 

If you could create a context of satisfaction for your relationship and then not trying to get satisfaction out of it – because you already got it – the only thing left to do is, what can I contribute to the relationship. Because you are already satisfied and you are already whole and complete, then you don’t need someone else to fulfill it. Now the relationships will work under all circumstances. 

If you want the relationship to flourish in all its glory, you have to give up the part where you want to change or fix things. You have to let it be, let the complain go. If something tragic, terrible, unpleasant or unwanted comes up. Whatever it is that comes up, to the degree that you can let it be, to the degree that you are willing to complete the experience of it, to that degree you become more alive in your relationship. Therefore, that what comes up is your friend.

So instead of going after the relationship you feel you deserve, go after the relationship that let you be totally. Consider the fact that the first idea will disempowers you, while the second one honors your true you. But it probably won’t look anything like a fairytale. By the way, who believes in fairytales anyway.... 

The tree leaves. The ocean waves. The human thinks... and creates; thoughts, feelings and fairytales...

About the Author

Joeban Machiel. Life Enthusiast. Possibilizer. Coach.

With today's stand of more than 1 million visitors and tens of thousands subscribers I want to leave you here with an experience, rather than to merely impart new information. Don’t just take it as value what you read, test it out and see if it works for you. In any case, even the truth, when believed, is made up. You must experience the truth, not believe it.

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